Date a Human

I'm not even really sure how I found this, but the cat roommate seals the deal: this is awesome.

Twilight is Back! Now, with photoshop goodness

Okay, it's time for the long awaited 'Eclipse' segment of my brilliant twilight reviews. But first, a small disclaimer:

Again, I am sure there are a lot of un-lame people who worked on this movie. Okay, maybe not that many. But once again, the producers really tried. They hired good cinematographers, paid for the rights to some good music, and really got the world's best performance out of cybertronic wolves. But, this is still twilight, so it still sucked, obviously. I mean, talk about waste of effort, hollywood. It's still about two hours too long. I'm pretty sure they could blackmail Coppola into this thing and it would still have that cheap vampire stank.

That's her dad. Word.

Oh, gentle readers, I must admit, there was a time when I, too, found this guy to be attractive. That time was during the Harry Potter movies, which I only watched once or twice, and are much better than twilight (yes, even sorcerer's stone).

And, in the latest edition of making beautiful young people look like the husks of chemotherapy patients, we have EDWARD! Now in sideburns. Just as gross, and now with weird elvis vibes.

"Bella, you've got to try this new body waxer I found!"

"I'd love too, but the producers want me to look as mannish as possible."

What they save on the costume budget they spend on waxing, tanning, and therapy.

"I took an acting class! Did it work? How about now?"

A little priest...

Edward: What is your problem? You know I get the girl! This series is based on pre-existing, overly publicized books! The outcome has already been set in stone for five kajillion tweens!

Jacob: What? I lose?

Bella: Gosh, Edward, be nice to the poor guy. His mom just spent his college savings on a bowflex.

Jacob: We're just trying to be realistic about my future. Not everyone has a flawless british accent to fall back on!

Edward: Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Tell you what, why don't you go shirtless for the rest of the movie? When you aren't busy being animatronic, I mean.

Jacob: Thanks bro. This should do wonders for my career.

Monochrome means evil, right?

I just love how plush the wolves are.

OH MY GOD!! How could they not ride the wolves?!

TA DAA!

Bla, bla, sexual tension.

Bla bla, bad acting

Bla, bla, armpit.

\

Bla, bla, something

Things are looking up...

Twilight, where it's still really dramatic, yet anticlimactic, but now with added length!

At long last, the much awaited sequel! To...uh...that other post. Sorry it's taken so long, but trying to make myself watch this movie was understandably hard.

Yay!! Sparkles make everything better!

This is presumably the 'New Moon'. Technically, though, a new moon is not actually visible. It's like an implied moon. But I guess they just really wanted to whip out that yellow filter ASAP.

At least they don't try to pretend that Bella isn't totally lame.

Ah, cheerful, with a hint of a multiracial presence which never actually manifests. Unless you count werewolves.

Edward starts us off with a quintessential 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' walk, prominently featuring some prime product placement. He's actually not in the movie for most of it which sounds like a good thing, I know, but he makes up for it with these confusing translucent hallucinatory appearances that never really get explained.

And the camera makes up for its lack of subtlety with unnecessarily wide, panoramic shots of the pacific northwest. And also a high school parking lot.

We're not really sure how this happened, but I bet that guy is embarrassed to be in this movie.

And then there's a whole lot of this bullshit, basically they play all this super mod indie music...

...and hang out in garages, wearing the latest in american apparel.

And there's all this really strung out sexual tension, and they both have super long hair for a while.

And the ghost of Cedric Diggory follows her everywhere! But not to worry; the music helps us maintain our sense of anticlimax.

They stare at each other a lot, which is like watching the world finals in maintaining a deadpan. Occasionally she grimaces or widens her eyes. He can turn into a wolf, which is kind of like having a facial expression, I guess.

Jacob likes to take off his shirt whenever possible. He's also very earnest.

Yay! Animatronic wolves!

And it's shots like this that make this a seminal classic.

I can't believe no one else sees this. And not a word about the MSpaint.

Perpetually half-naked band of young, buff men who run around the woods together.

Sometimes the above boy band chase this lady and play dramatic music.

Either she's hallucinating or he's wearing a super ugly sweater.

And then there's all this creepy weirdness underwater.

And then there's even more sexual tension and awkwardness in dingy places but meticulously filmed.

Dakota Fanning is some kind of terrifying vampire with a personality disorder and glowy eyes. See, kids? This is what can happen to you if you become a vampire. Look how far you've come:

It's a sad story, indeed.

Edward's sallow skin and sunken eyes make him look like a heroin junkie removing his shirt to shoot up. Seriously, girls? I didn't realize the chemo look was in this season.

Okay, boys and girls, that's all for now. This has been a painstaking process. I will try to post more often, promise! Feel free to make suggestions, too!