We Live in a Strange and Beautiful World

Date a Human

2011-09-27T03:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not even really sure how I found this, but the cat roommate seals the deal: this is awesome.

Twilight is Back! Now, with photoshop goodness

2010-12-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, it's time for the long awaited 'Eclipse' segment of my brilliant twilight reviews. But first, a small disclaimer:

Again, I am sure there are a lot of un-lame people who worked on this movie. Okay, maybe not that many. But once again, the producers really tried. They hired good cinematographers, paid for the rights to some good music, and really got the world's best performance out of cybertronic wolves. But, this is still twilight, so it still sucked, obviously. I mean, talk about waste of effort, hollywood. It's still about two hours too long. I'm pretty sure they could blackmail Coppola into this thing and it would still have that cheap vampire stank.

That's her dad. Word.

Oh, gentle readers, I must admit, there was a time when I, too, found this guy to be attractive. That time was during the Harry Potter movies, which I only watched once or twice, and are much better than twilight (yes, even sorcerer's stone).

And, in the latest edition of making beautiful young people look like the husks of chemotherapy patients, we have EDWARD! Now in sideburns. Just as gross, and now with weird elvis vibes.

"Bella, you've got to try this new body waxer I found!"

"I'd love too, but the producers want me to look as mannish as possible."

What they save on the costume budget they spend on waxing, tanning, and therapy.

"I took an acting class! Did it work? How about now?"

A little priest...

Edward: What is your problem? You know I get the girl! This series is based on pre-existing, overly publicized books! The outcome has already been set in stone for five kajillion tweens!

Jacob: What? I lose?

Bella: Gosh, Edward, be nice to the poor guy. His mom just spent his college savings on a bowflex.

Jacob: We're just trying to be realistic about my future. Not everyone has a flawless british accent to fall back on!

Edward: Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Tell you what, why don't you go shirtless for the rest of the movie? When you aren't busy being animatronic, I mean.

Jacob: Thanks bro. This should do wonders for my career.

Monochrome means evil, right?

I just love how plush the wolves are.

OH MY GOD!! How could they not ride the wolves?!

TA DAA!

Bla, bla, sexual tension.

Bla bla, bad acting

Bla, bla, armpit.

Bla, bla, something

Things are looking up...

Twilight, where it's still really dramatic, yet anticlimactic, but now with added length!

2010-03-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

At long last, the much awaited sequel! To...uh...that other post. Sorry it's taken so long, but trying to make myself watch this movie was understandably hard.

Yay!! Sparkles make everything better!

This is presumably the 'New Moon'. Technically, though, a new moon is not actually visible. It's like an implied moon. But I guess they just really wanted to whip out that yellow filter ASAP.

At least they don't try to pretend that Bella isn't totally lame.

Ah, cheerful, with a hint of a multiracial presence which never actually manifests. Unless you count werewolves.

Edward starts us off with a quintessential 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' walk, prominently featuring some prime product placement. He's actually not in the movie for most of it which sounds like a good thing, I know, but he makes up for it with these confusing translucent hallucinatory appearances that never really get explained.

And the camera makes up for its lack of subtlety with unnecessarily wide, panoramic shots of the pacific northwest. And also a high school parking lot.

We're not really sure how this happened, but I bet that guy is embarrassed to be in this movie.

And then there's a whole lot of this bullshit, basically they play all this super mod indie music...

...and hang out in garages, wearing the latest in american apparel.

And there's all this really strung out sexual tension, and they both have super long hair for a while.

And the ghost of Cedric Diggory follows her everywhere! But not to worry; the music helps us maintain our sense of anticlimax.

They stare at each other a lot, which is like watching the world finals in maintaining a deadpan. Occasionally she grimaces or widens her eyes. He can turn into a wolf, which is kind of like having a facial expression, I guess.

Jacob likes to take off his shirt whenever possible. He's also very earnest.

Yay! Animatronic wolves!

And it's shots like this that make this a seminal classic.

I can't believe no one else sees this. And not a word about the MSpaint.

Perpetually half-naked band of young, buff men who run around the woods together.

Sometimes the above boy band chase this lady and play dramatic music.

Either she's hallucinating or he's wearing a super ugly sweater.

And then there's all this creepy weirdness underwater.

And then there's even more sexual tension and awkwardness in dingy places but meticulously filmed.

Dakota Fanning is some kind of terrifying vampire with a personality disorder and glowy eyes. See, kids? This is what can happen to you if you become a vampire. Look how far you've come:

It's a sad story, indeed.

Edward's sallow skin and sunken eyes make him look like a heroin junkie removing his shirt to shoot up. Seriously, girls? I didn't realize the chemo look was in this season.

Okay, boys and girls, that's all for now. This has been a painstaking process. I will try to post more often, promise! Feel free to make suggestions, too!

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-10T09:26:00.001-08:00

Mostly horrifying Valentines gift.

If you can't deal with graphic sexual images do not read this post.

I have saved this section from Christmas, just for your prolonged viewing pleasure.

Venus Love

Made with the same thing they stick in your boobs when you have low self esteem! This terrifying creation looks more like a scarier venus fly trap, which isn't really something you wanted in a sensitive place anyway.

Penis Toothbrush ($3.47)

Now, the perfect way to tell your girl you want her to put a penis in her mouth. Now, with hygienic results!

Vagina Dentata Sculpture, Mature (sold out)

On this etsy page, there are many different versions of vagina dentata. Like this one, surrounded by lace. All really scary.

Spiky Bra ($35.00)

Hot, scary, and dangerous.

Titty Fuck Her

This biologically impossible solution to what is potentially every frat boys biggest problem. After the alcoholism.

Willy Attire (L2.50)

Ah, novelty condoms. I don't think you can use them, but they're magically delicious nontheless. I like the goofy pumpkin. Way more on the site.

Beatin' Barack Wind-Up (sold by the case)

Just...why?

Head O State ($34.95)

I know I've already featured this, but it's that good.

Eroti-Glass (c$600 + s&h)

To make guests uncomfortable, place in living room. To make neighbors uncomfortable, place in front window. To scar children for life, place in nursery.

Captain Pecker - 6' Blow Up Penis ($19.99)

When you've had enough of one captain, here's another!

Lipstick Style Massager ($19.95)

I can't wait for this to go wrong. Someone's going to have lipstick in their pants alll day! I can only hope there's a youtube.

My Life is Twilight

2010-01-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

I have found the most hilarious site. It is called 'My Life is Twilight'. There is literally nothing I can say to make this better. I would cut and paste entries, but each and every one is so ridiculous that I feel you should peruse the site.

It made me feel really good about myself. I intend to read it whenever I feel unoriginal or like a loser, to give me some perspective.

LOLcats that don't make me vomit

2010-01-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

I really hate LOLcats most of the time. I hate misspelt words and I've never actually seen a cat that was more interested in a cheeseburger than some good old catnip. However, sometimes in my roamings I come across one that's more charming. Here are a few. Sure, they're still pretty repugnant, but compared to most LOLcats, they're Shakespeare.

Also, boys and girls, I'm taking down the poll soon but if you vote it will help me get out a better christmas list next year. All you need is your gmail login.

This would not work without the facial expressions.

I like this one because it's just so darn classy.

How did they get the cat to sit still while they tied this on?

If you haven't seen Deliverance, that's what this is referencing. Also don't see Deliverance, it's very upsetting.

My cats don't like me to bring them cookies. They like to bat them off the plate though.

See, this is a funny concept, but I'd enjoy it more if I could read it more easily. It say's 'High Efficiency Edition" Get it? Because it's a cat...

The Christmas List: 2009 Part X

2010-01-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

Clothes

Pink Bunny Pajamas ($89)

These look amazing, and if you order a combo it comes with a rifle. At least I think it does.

Chain Mail O-ring Metal Bikini Set ($62)

Let's just take a moment to appreciate the rubber stamping that was undertaken to create this image. In all its sexuality, this image was made androgynous.

I'd also like to appreciate the utter uselessness inherent in the size of the rings. I mean, even if a bikini was covering enough area to protect you from anything, the rings would stop it from useless. It also looks doubly cold and uncomfortable.

USB Breast Warmer (Y1,980)

Another singularly great picture. First, I like how they use a doll instead of a person. Even though it's still wearing a bra and they have actual women in other pictures. I also like the faded, ill-fitting bra, the outdated computer, and that indistinct shadow in the crotch that makes you momentarily wonder whether this is a japanese version of a sex doll. And let's just roll over all those blooming roses. Only now can we move onto the product itself, in all of its boob-warming glory. Wow.

Punitive Shoes: Rancho (E179)

I'd like to say that the Rancho was an arbitrary decision on my part. Each and every pair of shoes on the Punitive Shoes website deserves a place on this list. They are all ridiculous. I guess the Rancho won me over with the horseshoe footprint. Believe it or not, these are not the most uncomfortable looking shoes on the site.

Great Big Women's Panties ($19.77)

What to get for the woman you love, when you want her to stop loving you. The website suggests them as a prank item, but it's hard to imagine this ending without someone getting hurt.

The Velvet Vulva ($165 to $400)

The velvet vulva. Beautiful handmade purses that look like vaginas. And just like vaginas, no two are alike. Or at least that's what the site says. Also available: The Velvet V G-String, the Velvet V Hat, and the Velvet V Sleeping Bag.

Blue Jeans Stretch Bikini Pants ($100)

For the girl who loves that skank look, these self proclaimed 'Brazilian style' pants give you the thong in the pants, without all those annoying panty lines. Or I guess with them if you still want them. These pants give you that flexibility.

Underease 2G- Male, with Replaceable Filter ($29.95)

For chronic farters, these undies make it seem like you aren't. They also seem to be made of garbage bags, elastic, and saran wrap, so you could probably try to make your own version.

Firm Grip ($18.99)

Butt-Glue! Used to keep a swimsuit from riding up. The perfect gift for anyone with an ass.

USB Air Conditioned Shirt ($224)

It's Japanese, of course.

Maggot Charms ($60)

These are actually kind of cool. I'd like to see the rose gold option.

Sonogram Photo Cufflinks ($65)

Now you can gross out everyone with these weird customizable natal images. So it's actually YOUR fetus.

Kitty Wigs! Bashful Blonde ($50)

I think this might be an image which doesn't need any text. Look at that cat's face.

Batman Hoodie ($73.99)

I think it's quite telling that this is only available in sizes L through XXXL.

Slavery Gets Shit Done ($19)

When you want to offend people to the point where they actually throw you out of places, here's the best option I have found.

Jacob Black Jrs White T-Shirt ($21.99)

There will be a comedy in the future. And in this comedy someone will lose their clothes and be forced to spend a day wearing a shirt very similar to this. And it will be amazing. PS: Homoeroticism transcends barriers.

Silly Ski Mask- TMNT ($14.98)

Okay, mostly I just like the wallpaper in this picture.

Undercap ($11.95)

And the model has gaged ears.

Handerpants ($11.95)

Like for itchy gloves! These are great.

Unicorn Princess Heels ($119.99)

Did you see the heel? And the pale pinkness? And the ruffles?

Nacho Wallet ($7.99)

Tinkerbell ($317)

This sweet little bag is somehow attributed to Paris Hilton or something.

Identity Preserving Balaclava (DIY)

Hannibal Lechter?

The Christmas List: 2009 Part IX

2010-01-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Stuffed and Plush

Now I feel like I should say something. As I'm sure we all know, there are people out there who will buy anything if it is cute, soft, or squishy. That being said, most of the stuff here is awesome and I want it. Now I will proceed to make fun of it. That is all.

No, wait! I want to apologize for leaving these so late, but I was busy graduating from college. So I'm more apologetic.

Monty Python Baby Killer Rabbit Plush Toy ($11.99)

I like the little tongue best.

Cthulu Plush Christmas Wreath ($34.99)

I guess the downside would be the lack of smell, but honestly I can't seem to mind.

Meat Medley Plush Toy and Pillow ($64.99)

Now, I know a lot of people who LOVE meat, but I guess I can't see how this translates into wanting to sleep with raw meat. Now, a nice apple on the other hand, can give you marvelous scented dreams.

Hug Me Pillow ($28.99)

For the gift that says, I know you're lonely, maybe you should become a serial killer.

Anatomical Red Heart Mini Plush (sold out)

For the gift that says, I want to reenact the Last of the Mohicans with you.

Lumpy the Coal Plushie- Holiday Edition Pet Rock (sold out)

For the kid who was really bad but you don't want to see a kid cry on Christmas.

Horse Head Pillow ($45)

For the upstart movie producer who won't put your godson in this movie even though it would be perfect for him just because he stole a starlet.

Dosagus Pillow ($28)

For the geek who is always falling asleep on the screen, here's a comforting middle ground.

Canned Haminal ($14.95)

I'm going to copy and paste the actual product info here, because I honestly couldn't come up with anything better. "Ever wonder where canned ham comes from and noticed that a regular sized pig won't fit in a can? Animation director, Crystal Chesney-Thompson has condensed the cuteness of several ham-related animals; hamster, guinea pig and regular pig, to create HAMINAL, the ultra cute ham-animal. He's smaller, tastier, boneless and conveniently can shaped! "

"I feed on the tears of the lonely" Teddy ($17.99)

This is great. I love the festive ribbons.

Alien Facehugger Plush wish Egg Plush Toy (?)

Apparantly the egg can be positioned open or closed, 'for display purposes'. Yeah, right, amazon.com. Like you wouldn't play with this. Also.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VIII

2009-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

Home and Garden: The Kitchen

Amen Salt and Pepper Shakers ($28)

Perfect for the pious family, these perfectly obedient utensils will serve you faithfully until they break.

Kikkerland Salt and Pepper Shakers ($10.95)

These are great and I love them.

Moo Mixer Self Stirring Mug ($14.99)

Yet another item for the lazy. Tortured by the unrelenting pressure of the manual labor needed to stir their own beverages...no more!

Evidence Chef's Knife ($14.99)

This knife may be hard to clean, but it serves the dual purpose of slicing your food and terrifying anyone in your path.

Fingerfood Plates (?)

For amputees, I guess. Or lazy rich people.

Peter Petrie Egg Seperator ($14.99)

This appetizing accessory will sneeze out your eggwhites. Yummmm...

The Cthulu Roaster ($35)

When your barbecue isn't Lovecraftian enough, here's your delicious solution. Looks like it works pretty well, but it's probably a bitch to clean.

Survival Seed Bank ($149.00)

For the family that's always feared the apocalypse, here's a perfect gift idea. This seed bank has everything you need to support your family after the coming disasters. Yes, that is it's stated purpose.

Georgia Vase ($450)

This shockingly expensive vase is but one in a line of boob dishes. They're all quite charming and overpriced, but this is my favorite for the sheer volume of boobs.

A Peaceful Bomb ($49)

Zipper Wine Glasses ($99.99)

Ceramic Drunk Chicken Heads ($14.95)

Whatever you think this is for, you're wrong. Unless you think its for sticking in the severed neck of your plucked chicken, so that it can have a wacky head. Kind of seems like a prank waiting to happen.

Throwzini's Knife Block ($99.99)

Ever wanted to be in the circus? Wonder if it really spins.

Two Liter Beer Boot ($22.95)

Okay, maybe this is a guy thing...so if you really want to drink two liters of beer out of boot, which is probably pretty hard to drink out of. Also pretty heavy.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VIII

2009-12-31T11:44:00.000-08:00

Pets

Poop Freeze ($9.95)

This ingenius spray works for cat poop and bird poop, too. It solves the problem of the squishy poo.

Dagobah Frog Habitat ($39.99)

This adorable terrarium comes complete with miniature Yoda. Come to pity the frog who will have his heart broken again and again as he fails to remove his x-wing from the swamp, since the force eludes him.

The Doggie Lover Doll ($184)

I thought it only fair to include two pictures of this wonderful new genre: pet sex toy! No, I'm not making this up.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VII

2009-12-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

Home and Garden: Furniture

"New Moon" Life-Sized Werewolf Display ($6,999)

Have you ever wanted a life-sized stuffed werewolf? Well me neither, but there must be someone who has because 7 grand is kind of steep.

Unlock Doormat ($50)

This is great. I want one. Although you might want to rethink the whole key under the mat.

Tree Throne ($999.99)

This is somehow better than that old stump in your yard because....?

The Splat Rug (?)

Disgust is in the eye of the beholder.

Octopus 750 ($2,799)

Just like a normal chair, only with more wheels and a bigger price tag.

The Zombie of Montclair Moors Statue ($89.95)

Terrifying and amazing. I think I see a lot of golden pranks coming up with this cadaver.

Galactic Throne ($499.99)

Play Emperor Palpatine with an accuracy that's worth so much more than 500 bucks. Oh, wait.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part VI

2009-12-30T16:51:00.001-08:00

Home and Garden: Bathroom

The Man Candle ($5.95)

Everyone's entitled to the smell of a sweaty bicep.

Potty Putter Toilet Golf Game (L9.99)

When your bathroom time interferes with your putting practice, then here's a solution that leaves everyone a winner!

Hand Grenade Soap, Black (?)

The only thing less attractive to me than black soap might be rubbing a grenade all over my body.

Gelli Baff (L9.99)

Now, you can mix up a tub of slime, all you need is Gelli Baff. It turns water into goop. And I bet it smells like bubblegum.

Stuck! Goldfish Bathplug ($13.00)

This is actually fantastic, I want one.

Stone Statue Tissue Box ($23.95)

I enjoy the quiet dignity of this ancient carving, while I appreciate the fact that it is in a somewhat compromising position.

Talking Tissue Box ($4.99)

This obnoxious container will taunt anyone with enough temerity to take a tissue.

Blood Bath-Bath Mat (L14.99)

Nothing says 'make yourself at home' like this bathmat. Inspired by Psycho. Funny side note though, the blood in the shower scene in Psycho was actually hershey's chocolate syrup, and would have been brown.

Blood Bath Shower Curtain (L8.99)

Perfect accompaniment to the bathmat.

Fresh Salmon Pillow (Y2.500)

This appetizing accessory for any room and comes on a yellow styrofoam tray and shrinkwrapped.

Handsoap Set ($18.00)

This delightfully multiracial plate of disembodied baby hands is a treat for any occasion!

The Christmas List: 2009 Part V

2009-12-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

Books

Knitting With Dog Hair: Better a sweater from a dog you know and love than from a sheep you'll never meet ($18.50)

Shatner Quake ($9.95)

Next: Home and Garden is a HUGE one so it might take a little while. I might need to do it in installments or something.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part IV

2009-12-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

Electronics

PowerPizza (L12.99)

This is a waterproof mock pizza box that you use to conceal your laptop. Each box is handmade in London, using what they call 'genuine italian style pizza boxes'. I guess the real danger here is that you'll accidentally throw it out.

Cellfoam ($10.00)

In what I can only assume is an homage to Raffi and the 'Banana Phone' song, the Cellfoam is a flexible rubber banana that you stick your cell phone into. Then, when you talk on the phone, it looks like you're talking into a banana.

Cellfoam Holster ($8.00)

And to add another item that a banana can look like...

Also I'm sure this is a pretty good price for a holster if anyone has an actual gun.

George Foreman USB iGrill ($99.99)

This high-tech grill is controlled by a computer, so it heats to specific temperatures for different kinds of meat and will tell you when it's done cooking. You can also access it remotely, presumably as a home security measure equal to motion sensors or automatic lights. Now, latchkey kids can come home to a warm grilled cheese, next to the cockroach that has crawled in next to the sandwich sometime in the seven intervening hours.

Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse (L24.99)

This uncomfortable looking mouse is apparently very satisfying. "It's a great big bling thing!"

Control-a-Cat Remote ($9.99)

Powered by wishful thinking, this remote is everything a cat owner wishes it could be. It has buttons like 'catch mice' and 'remain aloof'.

Laptop Steering Wheel Desk ($24.95)

I guess if you're the type of person who always wanted a tv screen in their steering wheel, this is a cheaper, albeit way more dangerous (who would have thought that was possible?) alternative. It's pretty hard to imagine anyone giving this to an actual loved one. Maybe if you lived in your car or something.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part III

2009-12-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

Food and Beverages

Zit Poppers ($1.25)

Described as both oozy and gushy, these are the most delicious acne in town!

Bling H2O ($2,600)

The most expensive bottled water in the world, ranging from $27 to $2600. It's supposed to be an expression of pop culture, but I'm pretty sure it's just a waste of money. Bottled in Tennessee, corked, and decorated with Swarovski Crystals.

Mustard Marvin Spread Head ($3.99)

Made to look like a green child vomiting yellow goo, this mustard top is bound to get strange looks from anyone who encounters it.

RoyalTea (E7.95)

The whole British royal family can now bathe their nethers in your teacup. Appetizing.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone ($9.99)

When obesity isn't quite as easy as it used to be, get the food assistance you need! Added advantage of probably being really hard to clean. And with the batteries embedded in the body, I'm sure it zaps like a bitch!

Chocolate Wrench Set (Y1200)

For the handy chocoholic, these wrenches are just the ticket! The website is pretty unintelligible, being in Japanese and all, but you get the picture.

Inflatable Fruitcake ($9.50)

According to the FAQ, this will give your life direction and meaning. Quite the fruitcake!

Bread Slippers (E62.00)

Delicious, but I'm guessing maybe a little bit stale. Available in several varieties and custom made.

Custom Wedding Cake Toppers ($79.00)

These little uncanny reproductions will creep out anyone who encounters them, with the added bonus of horrifying your offspring later in life!

Giant Centipede Whiskey (L14.99)

80 Proof whisky with a preserved critter inside. So much more authentic than just a worm in the mescal, don't you think? Also available in varieties such as scorpion vodka, cobra and grass snake whiskey, and herbal whiskey infused with reindeer horn. Pretty gnarly.

On the same site you can get such tasty bar food too! Large edible grasshoppers, rhino beetles, and water scorpions are just a few of the treats here.

Tactical Bacon ($15.99)

The magic of preservatives will supply you with bacon far into the Zombie Wars. 10 year shelf life, 18 servings per can, and able to give you heart disease long after the fall of western civilization.

Blood Caffeinated Energy Potion ($4.99)

Billed for real vampires, robot vampires, werewolves with a taste for human blood, vampire werewolves, robot vampire werewolves, and sparkly poufs. It tastes like fruit punch but has enough iron to give True Blood a run for it's money. And it comes in a nice little medical pouch.

Bier Stick ($19.95)

For the gift that says, I think you should get alcohol poisoning, we have the Bierstick! As a kicky new alternative to the boring old beer bong. It's basically an enormous beer syringe capable of not only intoxicating and asphyxiating, but also of subduing large quantities of frat boys, kind of like a water hose.

Chocolate Pills (L4.95)

Somehow this is suppose to be better than carrying around a handful of chocolate kisses. The blurb is only offensive if you have an issue with sexism. Or maybe it's just British chicks.

Meatball Bubble Gum ($3.95)

I can't tell you a whole lot about this that isn't obvious from the package. Hearty and with mini Charlie Chaplin-staches.

Roxy Instant Jews Ear Fungus ($3.50)

They really don't let you know exactly what this is, but I like to imagine rows of Hassids, lined up to have their ear fungus harvested. It is apparently all natural and the customer comments are glowing. Maybe in the far east this is a totally normal food product. I wonder what it means when it says instant?

Celebrity Canned Bacon ($119.95)

Fred Frozen Smiles Ice Cube Tray ($6.00)

Give your grandkids a gross-out even without dentures! These ice cube trays are a must have for any geriatric party.

The Christmas List: 2009 Part II

2009-12-23T19:40:00.001-08:00

Self-Improvement

I'd just like to explain that certain items were very hard to classify.

Uriwell Personal Toilet ($8.95)

This year I found a lot of portable toilets. Like the item above. The Uriwell Personal Toilet (get the pun?) is suggested for invalids, truck drivers, and boating enthusiasts. It features a unisex adapter (don't even want to know), increased elasticity (really don't want to know) and is apparently the product of nine years of in-depth research. Nice job, guys. Can't wait for that obituary.

Study Ball ($127.32)

The strangely expensive Study Ball is billed as a study aid, but it's hard not to see it as corporal punishment. You basically lock up your offspring and program in a time for it to bust off. It's hard not to imagine people abusing this. Seems like it would be perfect for murder, either by starvation or wielded like a mace.

Lottery Mate ($12.95)

Apparently scratch-offs are full of peril and hassles. Basically it's a flat pice of plastic with a slot for a coin, which make for easier scratching, what with the horror of searching for a coin before learning you've wasted a dollar.

Kush: Sleep Support for Your Breasts ($24.99)

It's not entirely clear how these are meant to be used, but the soft photography is very nice. Suggested for implanted women and nursing women.

Balla Powder ($15.00)

This is baby powder for balls. Eliminates clamminess with a pleasant tingling sensation.

Go Anywhere Toilet (?)

Found at a rock climbing supply website, here is another portable toilet for all your excretion needs. Conveniently folds into a briefcase, and comes with something called 'Poo Powder Waste Treatment'.

Stadium Gal: Undetectable Female Urinal ($34.95)

Illustrated only by this weird pink cartoon, this portable toilet is designed to be worn continuously throughout some kind of hypothetical sporting event where there are lots of women. It's a non-medical catheter, and I imagine it's very helpful for keeping your leg warm on a cold sports day.

Season Shot: Ammo with Flavor (?)

Do you shoot a large fowl of some kind every Christmas, only to crack your teeth on the bullet embedded in your drumstick, or give your small children led poisoning? Don't you wish there was some kind of tasty alternative? Well, now there is!

Available in delicious flavors like Cajun, Lemon Pepper, Teriyaki, and Honey Mustard, Season Shots are seasoning bullets, ready to be loaded directly into your handy-dandy shotgun! It's a double team of flavor, both killing and seasoning your entree.

Bumper Dumper ($69.95)

It's hard not to see the Bumper Dumper as a prop in some kind of Jackass-esque stunt. Ever wanted to poop off a moving car? Also available as a t-shirt design (14.95).

Razorba: We Got Your Back ($69.95)

Available in the Starter, Gold, and Platinum editions, this makes all of that tedious back-shaving easier than ever before! Jut stick a razor in this plastic rod thing and then use it like a back scratcher. There's no way this could go wrong...

The Babykeeper Basic ($39.95)

Like the hook provided for your purse, this provides an easy place to stick your baby in a public bathroom. Just don't leave them there!

The Classics in Manga Format ($9.99)

For the gift that says, you're too dumb for cliff's notes and too tacky for sparknotes, these remarkable works of art are available for such masterpieces as Hamlet, The Scarlet Letter, and Julius Caesar. Injecting the passion of homoeroticism into even the dullest plays, these are a must buy.

Rejuvenique RJV10KIT Facial Toning Mask Kit ($60.00)

A must have for every crazed serial killer with enormous pores. Since it's battery operated, it can do whatever it does wherever you want, from an abandoned mental institution, or your latest victim's closet.

Not The Cosby's XXX ($25.99)

For every voyeuristic creep who's ever jerked off to the Cosby Show (WHY?!?!), here is the opportunity for you to feel like that's perfectly natural. Featuring really funky sweaters and nudity.

The Christmas List: 2009

2009-12-22T11:44:00.001-08:00

Self Defense

Sorry to leave it so late, but here is the first installment of this year's much awaited christmas list. I'm trying a new format, so have patience with me.

Hidden Wall Safe (7.99)

For the paranoid people who don't believe in safety deposit boxes, here is a way to hide things in plain sight. Not only is the save concealed cleverly behind a nonfunctional outlet, it requires a key.

Untimate Compression Shorts (69.95)

Found at the Glock store, these shorts are not only super sexy, but effective for concealing your handgun! Made from surgial grade elastic, it has not one but two holsters, so you can carry handcuffs, or maybe a nice book.

Fuck the Rain (49.50)

Not only will this umbrella keep you warm and dry, it has the added benefit of pissing off whoever stands behind you!

The Palm Pistol (300.00)

No longer restricted to those able bodied individuals who can pull a trigger, this one shot wonder can be operated by the elderly or even the paraplegic. Since it doesn't look remotely like a gun, it's very easy to conceal. Perfect for little old ladies or small children.

Evacuchute (2,495.00)

If you work or live in a high rise, we all know the thoughts that go through your head every day: what if you should have to jump off it? Well if this describes you, the Evacuchute is a necessary item. It's easily concealable, so you can keep one in your desk drawer and another under your suit coat every day!

Liquor Lock (14.95)

Are those pesky teenagers getting into the liquor again? Stop those untrustworthy rascals with the liquor lock. For some reason kids wont be able to get it off a bottle, or guess your secret code.

Peacekeeper 400 (85.00)

Now you can fight off muggers in style with your very own brass knuckles, attached to this stylish leather handbag.

Up Next: Self-Improvement

The Eating Capital

2009-11-07T10:53:00.000-08:00

The time between halloween and thanksgiving is arguably the time when we eat the most. In light of that, I though I would dig up some beautiful examples of food art. As far as I know, none of these are photoshopped.

SUCKING THE BRAINS!!

Finally!

2009-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it's been so long. My hit counter informs me that I have a lot of readers and I should really get on this. Let me begin.

I'm a huge fan of those custom google ads. You know, the ones that read content and give you corresponding advertisements? Unfortunately, these can turn out a little wierd.

I found this ad on this blog. I'm guessing it's because of my octopus post. Unfortunately, knowing why it's there doesn't help me understand it. The way it capitalizes The Octopus makes The Octopus seem like some kind of elusive deity. I couldn't help but click...

Unfortunately, I didn't find the church of The Octopus. The first two options just don't make sense. Has Target always offered baby octopus? The fourth is my personal favorite; I would love to get rewards from jellyfish.

This ad is from facebook. I don't think it requires an introduction.

Here are some fish pics!

I could go for one of these.

Really good ad.

I like this picture because it kind of looks like a dignified waltz.

I think we would get along.

One of the reasons I need to visit the far east.

I forget what this is from but it gets me every time!

Okay boys and girls! Hopefully it won't be quite so long next time!

ROBOGEISHA

2009-07-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

Not for the weak of heart(or stomach), this is incredible. But seriously, watch it. It's only been about 20 seconds since I've seen it, but I think it's changed my life forever.

Hand-held Signs

2009-06-20T14:07:00.001-07:00

Here are some great ones from my internet adventures! If you're a junkie like me, you've probably seen most of them already. Oh well.

I like this guy, I think he's my kind of crusty old man.

Right on, brother!

Honesty can sometimes be the best policy:

Then again, this is kind of awesome.

This is amazing.

Okay, so it's not hand-held. Still awesome.

Damn, that is one excited kid.

I debated putting this one in because it is EVERYWHERE, but I love it so here it is.

Does that work?

You show them, buddy!

Me, too.

Advertising at its most sophisticated

2009-05-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how many people know this, but I'm not a TV person. In fact, I'm not entirely sure how to operate my TV. Which is not to say I don't make full use of hulu, but I digress. My point is, I miss out on some things which other people are completely sick of. Namely, ads.

And then, I go to the laundromat.

This isn't very interesting, but basically, I just want to take a moment to appreciate the new Pizza Hut slogan.

I'm sorry, let's look at that again.

Good one, Pizza Hut.

And how high is your budget?

I'm personally insulted that they paid some crackhead to do this when there were potentially hundreds of highly trained communication designers who apparantly...didn't make the cut?

What?!

Okay, maybe I'm being unfair.

No, I don't think so. Or if I am I don't really care. Because this is stupid. It's like, nice observation. Did this take a lot of deductive reasoning? Of course I'm eating. You just handed me a pizza.

I get that America is stupid. And fat. I really, really do. But come on, Pizza Hut.

YAY ROBIN!

2009-05-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my baby sister, the amazing Robin Irene, who will next year be joining me in the big city when she matriculates at NYU!!! WOOHOO!!!

Dude this is going to be epic.

Twilight, where it's really dramatic, yet anticlimactic.

2009-05-20T14:01:00.001-07:00

This is Twilight, told in screenshots. One thing I'll give it is it stays really true to the book. So basically a lot of eye shots and sexual tension. And it's pretty redundant.

"I'm Bella. Why doesn't anyone like me. I'm so standoffish and I have no friends. Basically I'm a hollywood starlet in a character based on the mentality of a fat girl."

"I love you Bella"

"No, I love you, Bella!"

All the cool kids hang out in the parking lot.

"I'm in love with you too, Bella. Sorry bout that."

Reeeal subtle.

"I'm standing in front of a fan so you can smell me more easily. Is it working? Tell me when it starts working."

Vampires are young, thin and attractive. They're basically hollywood. Nice.

Look, it's Cedric Diggory! You know, minus the melanin.

"Let's look at each other sorrowfully."

"Yes. That is an excellent idea."

"Hang out with you? Nah, I'd rather stand awkwardly next to my car and read a romance novel"

"SO, I am going to leave dramatically now, because I'm a vampire and I need to control myself so I don't murder you horribly."

"Wait, no I think I'll stick around."

"Look I'm all sparkly! And you can customize me with belly jewels."

"It's so hot when boys abduct me into the woods. Yeah, manhandle me!"

"Hey, if you're chill with the fact that I'm basically the oldest man you've ever met, I'm chill with your general lack of facial expression!"

"Actually, my skin is off-white, I think it's called eggshell. What's probably throwing you off is the fact that my neck has normal pigmentation."

"So you're chill with the whole me wanting to eat you thing, right?"

"I like to watch you sleep. That's normal, right?"

"Wow, I'm so turned on at the revelation that you sneak into my room at night and watch me sleep. That's so incredibly not creepy."

Apparently, turning into a vampire is strangely homoerotic.

Aaand sexual tension.

"I'm a 400 year old virgin. So let's just stand really close to each other and stare."

Yeah there's more but I couldn't finish it. Sorry.

What a time we live in.

2009-05-20T06:52:00.000-07:00

This is a twitter record of graduation. No, I did not graduate.

Man what?

2009-05-03T21:27:00.001-07:00

How do people even think of this stuff?!

Dreams of Flying

2009-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

Side note: excuse me for being all artisty on this. Sorry if I come across as pretentious or if you think I don't know what I'm talking about. I welcome other views.

German photographer Jan Von Holleben's series, 'Dreams of Flying' features nordic children against constructed floors which look like a backdrop. Whimsical without being overly cutesy, this series is by far the most impressive on his site, but feel free to disagree. I love these though-they are at once childish, meticulous, and immaterial. They speak about so much more than a childhood fantasy. The flatness of the series works with the presentation of the frames, but unfortunately Von Holleben fails to introduce a more dynamic compositional element in his other series. Here's hoping someone steers him in the right direction, and that this is more than just a single lucky good idea well executed-that there's more on the way, and that Van Holleben grows in the right direction. Overall, though, I really really love this. And I'm excited to see what comes next.

The inclusion of the dog makes this one for me.

The wooden boards add that primitive feeling-the contrast with the green props makes this photo so striking.

This is my personal favorite. I love how he constructs his sets with objects you'd never think of, and that the resulting scenes are clean, easy to read, and incredibly simple. It recalls any number of games a kid might play using things that adults so often overlook. Von Hollenben reminds us-everything is a toy.

The charm in this for me is the tiny scenes of miniature people. The juxtaposition with the actual people makes this work where his 'superlandscapes' fall short. No Pun intended.

This is the most whimsical and I love the leafblowers on the leafy ground, the halloween ghost, the pop culture reference...this makes me happy. It's just smart, and I love smart.

I wonder if people would have freaked if godzilla were just a giant kid. Rick Moranis failed to answer this question.

Again, his simplest works are the best. The dull ground and the kids' glowing skin and technicolor dream suits make it pop in a way that's just so reminiscent of about a million advertisements, but it's so much better when it doesn't try to sell you anything, don't you think?

The secret behind the magic carpet!

I love the chaos of this piece, how he manages that illusion while sticking to his on-the-ground setup, and how he makes it seem that they're in motion without actually overlapping anything. The slight angle is so subtle but does so much.

Yarr!

Living squarely on the testicles

2009-04-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

Found here

Also, just found this. Kinda really makes me wish I had cable. Oh, well. I don't really know how to work my TV anyway.

Sexy Speakers

2009-04-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

Isn't this genius? Found here.

From 2006

2009-04-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

I found this buried in my facebook photo albums. It's a photo of my old ecology teacher from sophomore year and the ridiculous things she said, but this is just from the first class. I would literally just write down hilarious stuff. Anyway, here we go.

"Molecules operate in three dimensions, why shouldn't you?"

"He said he was Greek, only he was Macedonian and never got over it."

"If I were God, I woulda done it simpler."

"This period of confluenzia really was magnificent; it died."

"He latinized his name, anyone who was anyone did."

"If you were a heretic, and didn't renounce your evil ways, you were barbequed."

"Which is further proof that some people should not be taught to read because it's bad for them."

"Every age has an ultimate weapon. So ours happens to go boom- so what?"

"Galileo: What else can I find that's disturbing?"

"Hot Damn!"

"Vernal equinox- what the hell is that?"

"The days are getting shorter, what is this all about?"

"Crochets and weirdeties"

(on Prague) "Cute buildings with little pointed roofs."

"The ancient Egyptians sure knew how to party."

"What keeps the moon from slamming into the earth?"

"Newton was a crab."

"I'm not bad at deciphering heiroglyphics, but give me a break."

"My father didn't have much to give; he left me his cough."

"[Medieval people thought that] This veil of tears will pass, and I will sit around strumming a harp. For people like me, who have no musical talent, this isn't such a good prospect."

"St. Francis never took a bath or changed his habit- he must have been fun to be around."

"God went on to do other useful things..."

"Kickoff date for life on earth: This happened on a sunday afternoon at teatime."

"God: ZAPS! You're a cockaroach."

"The air above- created on day two, I think."

"Primordial- that's a fun word."

"What if I take this unholy mix of stuff and ZATS it?"

"Benjamin Franklin- remember the guy with the kite?"

"Meteorites come in two delicious flavors."

"Tortuous mix of god-awfuls"

"Multi-cellular organisms: a lot of them looked extremely odd."

"Charles II of Spain died in 1699- and not a moment too soon. He was a biological disaster."

"Aristotle got around."

"If they're fishermen, bet your bottom petunia they're bringing home fish."

Yeah, so if you're ever at pratt take Professor Charton for ecology. The END.

Poll. Also, tats!

2009-04-08T15:28:00.000-07:00

I just want to encourage everyone to vote on the poll on the left side of the blog. Basically it's just asking what kind of post you prefer, so that I can try to give you your favorites! You can vote as many times as you want for as many different options as you want. And if you have an answer that isn't there feel free to shoot me an email or a comment or whatever.
And so this is not a blatantly self serving post, here are a few funny pictures of ridiculous tattoos, which I have found on the internet in various places.

SO badass:

This is just genius.

This is a photoshop, but I love it anyway.

Wolverine riding my little pony. Nice.

Another hilarious photoshop.

Tramp stamp:

This is just awesome, even though it's in the 'target' position.

Good one, genius.

Can you imagine waiting while they filled in your belly button? Also, wtf.

'This is your brain on drugs.' Also, 'This is your scalp on ink'

These belly button anus things continue to amaze me.

This is clever and hilarious, while also being retarded.

This is great. Well done sir. Now you can have thee 'staches!

I know this Snuggie thing is way overdone...

2009-04-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

but this tickled my funny bone. It's well done and hilarious.
My favorite moment is: Mom? Dad?

Old Stuff

2009-04-03T16:16:00.000-07:00

I was going through my old files, backing them up to make room on my hard drive, when I came across this gem. It's a stop-motion movie from my 4D Design class, freshman year.

Here's the plot, because it might be hard for you to tell. I'm eating fruit, so all the food in my fridge is outraged. They escape and a tomato spurs them into glorious revolution. Then they are free so they do a happy dance.

There are some fun moments where you see my face or a roll of masking tape, but I think the whole thing is pretty awesome.

My Little Pony

2009-04-02T12:52:00.001-07:00

I used to love My Little Pony, and I just came across these redesigns here. They're My Little pony as film characters and personalities, selling for about 300 british bounds a pop. They're pretty amazing.

Batman and Robin

Beatrix Kiddo

If you can't figure this one out you don't deserve to know.

Of course, Elvis is a unicorn!

Princess Leia

Why so serious?

No...just...no.

2009-03-30T03:22:00.001-07:00

As you may remember, my five-part christmas list was both informative and hilarious. And even at this time of year, I set products aside for that inevitable time when it will be time to buy gifts again.
But this...this could not wait. It's too wrong. Too...epic and hilarious and wrong to not share immediately.
Don't get all offended people...although I think that might be the idea. So...yeah.
Head O State

I reiterate, I know this is really really wrong. I can't stop laughing though.

Plural wisdom

2009-03-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

David Griswold explained this to me ages ago and I just got him to reiterate. I don't know why I find it so fascinating...I guess I'm putting it here because of my comment meters and so you'll get the joke.
OFFICIALLY, octopus should not be pluralized octopi because the "-us" -> "-i" is from the latin whereas octopus is a greek word
meaning eight-footed, because "pus" is greek for foot; the plural of "pus" is "poda".
So you would say "octopoda" in greek. However, in English we use that for talking about multiple species of octopus and we pluralize octopus as octopuses.
However, because everybody got it wrong for so long, the OED has officially added octopi as an acceptable pluralization

That's what she said.

2009-03-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

This is a classic example of why collage is better than high school. Just the other day I was in class during a crit and the professor said something like, just rub it a little bit, and I'm all, that's what she said! And everyone laughed and then we moved on. I think it added much needed comic relief to a long boring crit. Crits should be fun! Teachers in high school are mean (no offense David).

David's Response:
the thing to realize about that detention notice is the teacher is probably correct; considering the average high schooler, that was probably the 15th time he said it in THAT CLASS PERIOD.
once is funny.
twice is silly.
15 times is disruptive.

CONGRATULATIONS!!

2009-03-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

To my amazing beautiful genius sister for:

3. Being crowned Ms. WJ*!!

*Anyone with pertinent photos or video footage of Ms. WJ needs to contact me ASAP.

The Beautiful Photoshops of Erik Johansson

2009-03-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

Erik Johansson is a swedish student/interactive designer/computer engineer/photographer. I usually try not to post industry stuff on here because I know a lot of the people who read this aren't actually designers or artists, but I think this will be appreciated by all.

His work has an amazing combination of silliness, high art, couture, and nordic awesomeness. I also love how he models for himself. I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot more of Mr. Johansson in the future. He has already done some advertising work, and I can't wait for it to be released!

The Being a Jerk Method

2009-03-06T14:37:00.001-08:00

The Being a Jerk Method -- powered by Cracked.com

Hyena Family

2009-03-06T10:42:00.001-08:00

I've been looking through Pieter Hugo's photography and found this gem.

There are many photos of this man and his trained hyenas and baboons, two of the most notoriously wild and sinister species out there. This picture, however, is completely insane.

Mummy Ahmadu, the man, has removed the hyena's muzzle, placed a small girl child on its back, lets the leash lay on the ground, and then reaches inside the hyena's mouth, a move which can only be intended to infuriate the animal.

This man is either very brave or very stupid. Or both. He is a hyena trainer.

Actual Book

2009-03-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

Because the only way an alien would be scarier is if it were invincible, borne of a Kryptonian solar plexus.

Due to complaints on my lack of postage

2009-02-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have gotten a twitter. I only post gold on here because I don't want to overpost. On twitter, however, the idea seems to be that you should be as non sequitor and brief as possible.
I don't know how to embed it yet...let me know if you do. Anyway, here's the link.

Election 2008...bollywood style!

2009-02-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

McCain and Palin Campaign Bollywood Music Video Style! - watch more funny videos

The Christmas List, Part VI

2008-12-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V

So, Survey is over. Here is some stuff I've been saving.

For the productive paper lover

For the techie who needs their breakfast

For the romantic electrician

For the hungry typist

For the viking with deficiencies

For the guy who needs a boost...of confidence

For the blinged out goth

For the chocoholic wordsmith

For the Mensa Gourmet

For the brunching serial killer

For the lying seamstress

For the niche stripper

For the most awesome coffee drinker EVER

For the Trekkie who can't wait

For the hungry Sith

For the baby who can't run

For the egomaniacal Lego freak

For the computer addict who needs an excuse to wear pants

For the rock star in your pocket

For the serious underachiever

For the Master Griller

For the internet surfing chef

For the love of your life, who needs protection

For the thrill enthusiast who really wants to indulge their bulimia

For the Juvenile Delinquent in training

For anyone with low self esteem and a taste for the stage

For your Japanese buddy

For the recently deceased, but always ostentatious

For the person who, literally, has everything.

For the pet owner with issues

The Christmas List, Part V

2008-12-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV
I hope people are enjoying these, I haven't received any feedback. But I think I would like them so here goes! Of course, I am actively embarking on that wonderful journey known as Survey, so I may be a bit...incommunicado for the the next couple of weeks. Or hell, maybe I'll need a break! Who knows.
In any case, I have tried to traverse etsy.com for this edition. It's a site for people who handmake items to sell them. Some are very nice, and others are downright strange. I was coming up with the labels, but what came to mind for most of them was decidedly serial-killer, autistic, or just blind.
Some of the other labels are a bit wimpy. Sorry about that.

For the layer-happy coffee drinker

For the tea party enthusiast with a taste for danger

For the much-plagued assistant

For the pretentious chain smoker

For the pyromaniacal wine connoisseur

For the self-medicated billionaire

For the Londoner with big, big hair

For those content being chronically late

For the retired world traveler

For the dishwasher with whimsy

For the chef with contact lenses

For the acquaintance who throws all those parties

For the chronic snitcher

For those itching for a food fight

For the engineer with a taste for the finer things in life

For the skinny alcoholic

Or the surfer alchoholic

For the perverse paper folder

For the aspiring gangster

For the decidedly offbeat fetishist

For the mother-to-be with unseemly cravings

For the stylish serial killer

For the serial killer in need of a purse

For the blind art collector

For the obese child

For the detective who doesn't mind human trafficking

For the fish lover with an eye for sculpture

For the misogynist who's always breaking things

For the expecting parents

For those potty training the poopy-handed

For the sailor with a sense of danger

For the sniffer who can never find the right scent

For the nudist with a sense of decorum

For the pooper with ADD

For the clean freak without q-tips (is that even possible?)

Or the clean freak with only one soap dish

The Christmas List, Part IV

2008-11-29T00:21:00.000-08:00

Part I, Part II, Part III

As we all know, Black Friday was yesterday. This marks the start of official Christmas shopping season. So step up your game!
I've been working overtime to bring you even more amazing gifts for the people who don't have everything, but are incredibly peculiar. Or something. I tried to include some more books, and a few things maybe more in peoples price ranges. Enjoy.

For the aesthetic biologist with a low-functioning heater

For the bootylicious pop star who insured their gloots

For the homeless musician

For the guy who keeps joking about eating turds

For the deviant who's always wanted to explore the wonderful world of Vore...
(Diclaimer for the above: if you don't know, you DON'T WANT TO. TRUST ME. The label not the product. The product is rated G)

For the Christian who always wanted a menorah
...just make sure you don't give them this one too.

For the person who always misses their sea monkeys this time of year

For the coolest frakking person ever

For the survivor with a sweet tooth

For that child of the eighties who still has the beat

For the perpetually single and potentially bitter

For the couple who really should get a room, but never does

For the caffeine-riddled, the serotonin-deprived, or just the cynics

For the gourmet macabre muncher

For the bigwig fishing for gold diggers

For the chef with a cuddly side...or a spooky preoccupation, depending how you look at it.

For the chronically absent

For the wannabe taxidermist with a bad back

For the puppeteer with allergies

For the drinker with priapism

For the cowboy who can't have shape pancakes every day, goddammit

For the grandmother with a sense of humor

A Great Ad

2008-11-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

Most banner ads are just ridiculous. You ignore them. But once in a while, one tickles you. I forget where I found this, but it cracked me up for some reason.

The Christmas List, Part III

2008-11-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

Part I, Part II

Okay, here are some more FABULOUS gift ideas for some more of those strange demographics in your life.

For the color-blind golfer

For the practical joker who hopefully knows CPR

For the well-dressed construction worker

For the camper with penis envy

For the astrologically minded masturbator

For the holiday spirited masturbator...or your clueless great aunt who loves memorabilia

For the guy who only pretends to live dangerously

For the carnivorous music lover

For the moving herpetologist

For the impromptu costume partygoer, or more appropriately, thrower

For the gourmet snacker

For your favorite neighborhood pedophile

For whoever needs some brain food

For the pomeranian with ADD

For the design-savvy spiller

For the graphic artist who loves their coffee table

For the Jedi with a sense of humor...good luck with that.

For the awesomest terrifying awesome person to put in their foyer

For the penis with issues

For the decidedly unhygienic nymphomaniac

Night School Musical and other SNL moments

2008-11-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know who Don Draper is, but this is hilarious.

And remember these ads?

A History Lesson

2008-11-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

History of the World, Part One, is a hilarious movie, and one of my favorites by Mel Brooks. If you haven't seen it and you love you some potty humor, you should check it out. Here are some moments you may have forgotten.

Moses accidentally breaks the tablet containing the last five commandments:

And you should never forget the Roman Empire:

The Inquisition, with Mel Brooks as a musical Torquemada, is always one of the most memorable scenes in the film:

The French Revolution saw some hard times. The people were so poor they didn't even have a language. All they had was a ridiculous accent:

Horned Vikings are promised in the followup, Part II, which is unfortunately as yet undelivered:

Teehee

2008-11-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

Do You Have What It Takes to Title Porn? -- powered by Cracked.com

Some more Xmas Ideas

2008-11-11T04:53:00.000-08:00

This is part two. The first part is located here.

For your favorite arterially challenged carnivore

For the hair-brained looker

For your buddy who just LOVES THEIR IPHONE

For the dog lover with a huge music collection

For the rotund phonophile

For the sci fi fan with a large lawn

For the birdwatching conspiracy theorist

For the cubically oriented slacker Or....

For the lazy fatass who plays waay too much WOW. Or...

For the super suave office worker

For the guy in the dark room

For the chef who has everything but a knife

For your friendly neighborhood vampire slayer

This is HILARIOUS

2008-11-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

And worth it only for the Nosferatu/prog rock moment.

5 Reasons You'll Hate The Movie 'Twilight' -- powered by Cracked.com

The Christmas List

2008-11-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

Here are some awesomely wacky christmas ideas for the people around you. I'm posting this nice and early so everyone has enough time. I will also update it right up until Christmas eve, so check back often!

For the Doctor/Gardener

For the OCD alphebatizer

For the disembodied safari hunter

For the enlightened electrician

For the financially astute hotelier

For the literary insomniac

For the chronic late riser

For the technologically-minded frat boy

For the patriotic laptop user

For the sleepy carnivore

For the in-class napper

For the morbid baby doll connoisseur

For the mutant aficionado

For the manic depressive caffeine addict

For the nocturnal genius man

For the fan of Chinese food

For the irreverent nymphomaniac

For the minivangelist

For the fashion forward man

For the practical joker with chronic fatigue

For the clean freak with issues

For the sucker for potty humor

For the housewife with memory problems

For the clean freak with a sense of humor

For the violent florist

For the devout penny saver

For that friend with anger issues

wow.

2008-10-31T00:56:00.000-07:00

Halloween

2008-10-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the better/funnier costumes I've come across.

How did he get this on?

This is disgusting, but amazing.

I love this costume. It's gorgeous and awesome and ugly all at the same time.

This looks cool, but I bet it's uncomfortable.

In a field, no less.
''

You don't need too much to have a great costume. These guys used cartoon gloves, overalls, and baseball hats they decorated themselves.

This must have taken forever, but the execution is flawless. Bonus: you can wear it all year round to keep your ears warm!

This guy is probably sweating his ass off, hoping some of the breeze will come through the polyester.

Simple, elegant, awesome.

This is kind of amazing. I would have been embarrassed to wear this if I were the kid, but the effect is still ridiculously cool. Where do you find the time to knit four full size bodysuits?

This is not, technically, a costume in the sense of the other costumes here, but I had to include it because it is so damn badass. Imagine him sitting up. Imagine him trying to go through airport customs. How much does that thing weigh?

A great idea perfectly executed. I have no idea how this is possible, but I'm strictly a knit-purl-knit kinda girl, if you know what I mean.

Okay, don't get grossed out. I just think this is fantastic. I mean, the hilarity! The execution! The enormous tampons! What are those, for whales?

Again, don't be squeamish. This is a ridiculously awesome costume.

Lobster cat! I don't think people should, generally, dress up animals. That being said, if you do decide to dress them up, it had better be AWESOME.

Terrifying, yet effective child's costume. The facial expression kind of makes it though.

Another animal costume. If you've ever had a cat, you know this will not work on one. But this lab looks pretty chilled out.

Do it up right! Send pictures!

Excuse the absence...

2008-10-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

I am working on my super awesome christmas list, previously viewed only on facebook (last year), and it will be awesome.
Don't give up!

Hey all

2008-10-14T23:57:00.000-07:00

WOW!
It's been a while. Guess I've just been super busy...but after several hours of work I was looking at sa and this made me laugh out loud. Yes, we are all sick of election crap. Deal with it.

Okay, so maybe churches are awesome. Maybe.

2008-10-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it...

2008-09-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

I've taken a lot of online tests. Okay, not in the last few years, but in high school and even a couple of times in junior high I was all, wow, I wonder who my spirit animal is? Let me find out using this ten question test. Basically I'm establishing that I have basis for comparison. An this is literally, the best online test I have ever seen. In my life. Thank you.
I got 54 seconds.

My Brave Aunt Beth

2008-09-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

I just discovered this troupe via BritANick....I think I capitalized that wrong. But anyway. Funny.

I found this to be both humorous and vastly helpful.

2008-09-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

Wow.

2008-09-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not a religious person, but I'm praying this is a joke.

My Celebrity Crush

2008-09-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is Chris Paolini. He is the hottest man ever, also a truly awful writer, notable only for his hilarity, youth, and success insofar as being incredibly derivative. Also super hot. I need to meet him. I will do so on his book tour if the tickets are less than ten dollars. He is reading at a midnight opening of his latest book. I will need a lot of self control to keep myself from hysterical laughter, but I'm determined to do my best.
Anyone care to join me? We get to dress up in medieval clothes! Maybe I'll have my mom send up my dress?

More sketch comedy

2008-09-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

SEX FOR SCOTS!!

2008-09-01T13:48:00.000-07:00

Sex Ed for the pre-teen crowd in glasgow. NSFW. Make sure you have your sound on. And when you're done, watch True Or False.

More from Those Aren't Muskets

2008-09-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

SWEET

2008-08-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

In 1995 a Polish farmer by the name of Krystof Azninski chopped off his own head with a chainsaw. Here's what happened: He and a couple of his friends were drinking, exhausted their things to do and decided to play some “men's games.”
First, they got naked and did various things like throw frozen vegetables at each other. One of the men somehow got a hold of a chainsaw and started swinging it around. Then, either by accident or on purpose he cut off his own foot. Azninski, seeing this, declared that he will not be outdone! He seized the chainsaw and swung it at his head. “Watch this, then!” were his famous last words.

via

Photo Barf

2008-08-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been so long! A lot of stuff has been monopolizing my time, like Zombie, Steerpike, and sci fi from the seventies (Frank Herbert was a god). Good stuff. Here are some pictures of animals wearing costumes and stuff.

Probably not my first choice.

2008-08-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

A moment for musicals.

2008-08-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

You know I love journey to the west. I loved the picture books, I love the novels. I LOVE MONKEY. So this is pretty much my jesus. I really want to see Repo! too, though.

Clitter!

2008-08-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

Using Clitter while pregnant may result in sparkle babies.

Alas...

2008-08-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

I usually try very hard not to repost things from other blogs. It's cliche.

However, this was just too good to pass up.

Just in case you need some writing inspiration. Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Various Things

2008-07-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

This makes me unspeakably happy.

MUHAHAHAHA.

On another note. I have found my perfect dating site. Check it out.

Welcome to the Revolution: Shaolin Soccer OR Why a makeover isn't always the answer

2008-07-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

In todays fast-paced world, people are at a loss without the benefits of kung-fu as applied ot everyday life.

This movie is full of extraordinary looking chinese people saying arbitrary things in what can only be interpreted as a dry way.

Also it's a musical. But only a little bit.

This coach guy examines our hero's leg. He spits on it and shines it with his sleeve. He pronounces...

He then convinces our hero to join him in a Soccer Extravaganza, where he will stick it to various assholes in Shanghai.

Our main character, who kind of looks like Bruce Lee, who is his personal idol despite a profound lack of Jeet Kun Do...not the point. He recruits his brothers, all four of them, all of whom have very specific kung-fu styles with names like 'iron leg', 'steel belly', and 'amazing head thing". One of them has an eating disorder.

Mui, the heroine, has some serious skin problems.

So she gets a makeover from a drag queen at the aptly named 'Manny's Salon".

Unfortunately, this doesn't work out to well.

Their epic opponents, the 'EVIL TEAM" (no, I'm not kidding) are on 'american' steroids. This gives them the ability to defy the laws of nature, kick balls so hard they burst into flames, and burn the gloves off the goalie's hands. Damn Americans with their damn cheating druggy ways.

Slowly, the members of our beloved Shaolin Soccer team are incapacitated by the Evil American Drugs.

At the last minute, Mui, who also happens to be a kung-fu expert/baker, appears as a fill in goalie. She explains that as she did not know how to cut her hair, she decided to shave her head. I forgive her though, because this is the best of her three looks.

She looks at him...

He looks at her...

(told you he looked like Bruce Lee)

And now, the world is much better because everyone uses kung fu for everyday tasks, like parking their cars, walking in heels, and trimming foliage.

It sweeps the nation.

Anyway, this movie is sweet. I am not sure how much of it was intentional hilarity, but in any case it is a good time with some sweet screen shots.

My elbow sockets sharpen pencils when you pass by on divine fumes of industrial combustion.

2008-07-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

A great concept, truly hilarious.

Leave me some surreal compliments for the enjoyment of all!

iGod: Repenting made easy.

2008-07-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

Check it out. Apparently God isn't the sharpest but he is very forgiving.

Teeth: Where we all fear to tread

2008-07-08T16:22:00.001-07:00

WARNING WARNING WARNING!!!
This post contains very very disturbing images if you a) have a penis and/or b) have no conception of special effects. So please DO NOT look any further if graphic castration is going to bother you. Have a nice day.

An ominous classical melody starts us off....

A nuclear power plant? How ominous.

Also ominous. Never finger your stepsister in the kiddy pool.

Our leading lady, Dawn, runs a chastity circle. For boy and girls. "Are you going to give your gift to the fist girl who looks like she just walked out of a music video? No! You're going to save it for the mother of your children!" Doomed.

SHE SAID NO!!

And...yes!

Prehistoric TEETH

Awesome awesome inappropriate OBGYN.

And...MONEYSHOT!!!

So go watch TEETH, best movie ever. The end.

My heart is a garden.

2008-07-05T20:18:00.001-07:00

Today I learned about this awesome phrase in Hindi. It literally means, my heart is like a garden, and it means, I'm feeling great, or I'm happy. I think this is really apt and I wish we had a similar expression in english. So if you know anyone Indian, Bangladeshi, Nepalese, etc, tell them: dil garden-garden hu ga ya.

Some excellent geek lines

2008-06-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of somethingawful. I've heard a lot of geeky pick up lines (I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves). But these are new and awesome.

Roses relfect light at one end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum, violets reflect like at the other end of the visible electromagnetic spectrum, sugar is C6H12O6, you release endorphines in my brain.

Damn girl...if this was CS3, I'd pull out my pen tool, draw a path, and stroke your vector all night long.

If your cunt was a Wonder of the Ancient World, my dick would be the Roman sewer system; malodorous, splattered with shit and overflowing with vermin.

You must be Plato, because your form is unearthly.

Somewhere in the streets of Heaven, there's an angel wandering around, clutching madly at his ruined eyesockets....
...because, baby, you've got that angel's eyes.

I don't believe in intelligent design, because if god were intelligent, he would of designed you with my penis already inside you.

Hey, I'm a geologist so I know what makes the bedrock.

Call me the Glass Ceiling, because I want to give you the shaft once you reach your mid 40's.

Sex with me is like the ideal Keanu Reeves movie: very little dialogue, lots of action, and the word "whoa!" being uttered at least a dozen times.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
All my base
Are belong to you

Baby, according to Heisenberg, in about five minutes you'll have absolutely no idea what the momentum of my cock is.

Do you speak Parseltongue?
Because i have a snake that wants to talk to you.

Baby, you are Venus to me... I'll never be on you, but I'll spy on you with a telescope.

I wish I was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.

I'll update as the thread does. And sorry if this pisses anyone off. I just post funny shit. Don't be a bitter goon.

This photo is supposed to be for fashion or something, but it really creeps me out.

2008-06-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

ALSO:

Video Goodness

2008-06-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

I hate the ploy, but I share the sentiment.

And this is hilarious...

And this is a fantastic ad...

Immortal: video sensation

2008-06-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I am posting again today to introduce you to the amazing video, Immortal. Here is the plot, as far as I could gather.
There are Egyptian gods in a pyramid which has mysteriously appeared over a city. It is the year 2095. There is a thing called eugenics which replaces body parts or something. Whenever someone has a eugenics implant, they appear computer generated. So about 95% of the people are CG. Horus wants to get it on, or he's dying or something. So he busts this russian dude out of jail. Jail in the future is like a cryogenic tube. Horus needs this guy because he was frozen thirty years ago before the advance of eugenics so he's all human and Horus can possess him. Unfortunately, he chops off his leg while busting him out of jail so he makes him a new leg out of an old subway rail.
There's this blue chick who likes this guy who wears black bandages around his face. She sees a shrink who gives her an apartment because her internal organs are in the wrong places. Horus want to screw her real bad. So he possesses the Russian convict and abducts her from a bar, takes her home and rapes her a bunch of times. She's kind of into it though. And the cops are looking for the guy who was broken out of prison because he still had a year in his sentence.
Following so far?
Okay, so the cops send this hammerhead monster after the Russian guy and the guy in the black bandages rescues them by jamming his flying car through the blue chick's apartment and rescuing them at the last minute. Then they fall into central park, which is a no fly zone and it's like alaska in there. The hammerhead catches up to them but Horus kills it. Then the guy in the black bandages gives the blue girl a red pill and she forgets everything. The cops catch up to the Russian guy, and put him back in the freeze for another year, and Horus returns to his pyramid, which dematerializes.
Then a year later the Russian dude gets let out and finds the blue chick, who does not remember him, and who lives now, inexplicably, on the eiffel tower with her blue baby who is also a killer hawk that likes to slaughter pigeons.

I'm not usually this revelatory with a plot, but trust me, you do not want to watch this movie. Or, if you do, there's still plenty of psychotic insanity that I didn't cover, trust me. Here are some screen shots, to prove I am not making this up.

I should have known what I was in for when this travesty against typography introduced the film.

Horus fixes this guys leg.

In the fair city of New York, in the year 2095.

Hammerhead monster. He kind of mutates and gets more squishy later on.

WHERE is that Horus?!

Trust me, I spared you the more pornographic images.

I assumed this was dirty...

2008-06-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

but no! Apparantly they do just want to protect your banana!

Available here.

Bullllshit

2008-06-13T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the new Hairspray movie. What a piece of shit. If you're going to make a movie about the sixties, like social commentary, you need to make it accurate. I know this isn't a documentary but come on. I'm fairly certain there wasn't any moonwalking or destiny's child-esque vibratto going on in 1963. Pandering to popular culture is bullshit. ESPECIALLY when you're throwing words like 'negro' and 'colored' into the script just to shock people and show how far we've come. Yeah, great. Now instead of hating black people, we just racially profile them, as is clearly shown in this ebonics speaking, break dancing, leg humping group of black cast members who all inexplicably end up in detention. I'm so glad we've evolved. Well done folks. Thanks for helping us come so far.

Sorry I'm babbling. It wouldn't be so bad if the whole thing wasn't so self-righteous about the whole segregation thing.
PS: I fucking hate rap. They are playing it outside my window. No matter how many people try and turn me on to the 'good' rap I always feel like someone is aggressively yelling at me or yelling in general. How unpleasant.
Please excuse this unusually introspective and text-based post.

To atone, here are some funny pictures from my 'awesome' file. This file is always welcome to new additions so feel free to send me pictures of anything hilarious, clever, or just cool.

NOoooooooo!

Toothbrushes like to get it on too!

WiiBortion!

Ai yi yi!

PS: Just one more thing. That love interest guy is the most feminine male person I have ever seen. And I read Lady Bunny's blog.